An unexpected answer

John Steinbeck once wrote: ‘Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.’

Staying home alone on a saturdaynight, I put on a DVD of the CW’s “One Tree Hill” I taped a while ago. Just to take my mind off of the struggles in my brain, and maybe because watching Bethany Joy Lenz-Galleoti is a visual treat after a week of troubles, as well.

Five minutes past midnight, Norah sends me a text message: ‘I don’t want to fight, I just want to know why…Sweet dreams, Norah’
Why? Her question makes me think. Why do feelings change? Why do we say: ‘I’ll wait forever,’ and mean it, but still stop waiting after two years? I don’t know…but she’s right, she deserves answers.

An answer comes, from the most unlikely source, as my attention gets drawn to my television.

and so I use the words that expressed exactly what I have been feeling, being the man on the side:
“…but it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of that I stopped missing you…”
and Norah messages me back, as if she’s watching the very same DVD:
“…Adam…I’m sorry.”

Yeah, me too…

We might as well be strangers

Katherine Anne Porter once said; ‘There seems to be a kind of order in the universe…in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own.’

My words were mere formality, an acknowledgment of a decision long made in the corners of my mind.
“I’m sorry Norah, but I just cannot do this anymore, this just doesn’t feel right any longer…”
That’s all I could come up with. Two years in which not a single day had passed without my heart calling out to hers, two years that had been anything but ordinary. Two years that didn’t get the break-up-line they deserved.
I guess the words I chose to call things over were just as helpless as I was.

No fight, no questions, not one single tear.

I don’t know what I expected, but I did expected her to care. She remained careless, as she had been so many times before…She nodded and said goodbye, argueing she didn’t felt like talking about it.

One might say it’s easier to leave than to be left behind. Perhaps.
But sometimes leaving means being left behind too.

How much it hurts

Stephen King once wrote: ‘Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away.. and in the end.. there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometime we lose them there again.’

I don’t know wether falling in love with Peyton, the fund-raising-girl, will be my saving grace. We’ve called almost every day since last week, and really, she’s awesome, and remembering that kiss makes me tremble. But every day that passes that feeling fades a little more.

And then there’s Norah, the girl I’ve loved for two years…the girl I imagined by my side the day all my dreams will have come true, the girl I stopped waiting for. Not to long ago I couldn’t imagine facing a day without hearing from her. Now there’s a silence that has falling between us, and I don’t know how to look at her like I once did.

So here I am, Adam S. Crowe…and I have no idea where my life is taking me. But I think it’s time to get back on track, my own track. Starting a journey to a place that’s still left undiscovered, and maybe, just maybe someone will meet me half-way.

How much it hurts – Just off Turner

Where I end and you begin

Douglas Adams once wrote: ‘He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered whose it was, and whether they were enjoying it.’

I’m parking my car, take of my keys and look in the mirror. I smile, I don’t even care if I look good or not, I feel good, that’s all that matters. Look at her standing there…the familiarity off it strikes me, like distant memories of joyfull dreams.
“Where are we heading for?” she asks. I probably sound like Bilbo Baggins when I answer: “Wherever the road might lead us,” but she laughs anyway…

We end up in my favourite Irish Pub. She’s impressing me by ordering my favourite beer, and she even likes it. A girl enjoying a big pint of Murphy’s Stout…a sparkle in her eyes, the brightest colours in her smile. We’re talking about our youth, about life, about dying,…
I think I’m falling in love.

Half past five turns into half past six turns in to half past seven…turns in to half past ten.

At the trainstation she’s asking me to play my blues harp. I’m nervous for I’ve never played in front of other people, but I want to play for her. My notes sound like crap, but she seems to digg the sound. I feel her finger drawing lines on my back. I gently pull her close to me, I’m breathing her hair, I’m tasting her sweet perfume. She turns her head to mine and softly touches my lips with hers. A fountain of joy’s exploding inside me…I’m trembling, for a second I have no record of where I end and she begins.

Can’t stop this thing we started

Ida Scott Taylor wrote: ‘Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering

So there she is, smiling…juxtaposing this old, grey trainstation with her vibrant spirit and optimistic outlook. And it’s as if we’ve done this a million times before, I kiss her on the cheeck and we start walking, talking about everyday-things. And it’s as if we took this walk a million times before. Comfortable.

We get served breakfast in a way too chique restaurant, but we just feel like enjoying all this over-the-top luxury, enjoying eachother. Talk gets more serious, and she’s challenging me to think, think again, taking new points of view. It feels wonderfull having someone who’se not just taking me for granted, but dares me to dare my own points of view. The look in her eyes is getting more intense, I love the way she thinks, I love the way she looks…

Time moves fast and we have to get back. My heart is breathing the air she’s pumping into my life with every word she speaks. I wish I could see her again…
My wish get’s granted as she whispers in my ear right before I have to leave her with her collegues: “You come back after work, okay?”

Okay.

And now we can’t have it…

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes…all you need is one.

“What about breakfast?” the question rolls over my lips before I even realize I’m asking her on some sort of date.
“Breakfast could work out for me,” she answers. “And maybe if we have fun, I can come back when you finished working.” I add, almost subconciously. She looks at me and then laughs: “Ambitious.”

Just an ordinary thursday, and at 11.30pm I’m left wondering where I could take this girl for breakfast the very next morning. There’s a great place in town, but I would need to make reservations, and they’re not answering their phone at this time. Mierda…

I met her last week, she was trying to raise money for a good cause…but it seemed I lost more to her than just money. Today she’s returning to the city close to me, and when she steps off the train, it’s my heart that’s racing…and she’s looking even more beautiful then my memories pictured her.

There’s a girl back home I love…and there’s a girl standing next to me I could fall in love with.

Untill Today

Henry James wrote, ‘Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.’

This year I started doubting everything. Dense mist clouded my eyes and things that once were clear seemed to faint into silent screaming insecurity.
This year I challenged reality to prove itself. It didn’t.

Untill today.